you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
You Might Also Like
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew ✔
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
PhewThe Chosen Phew
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1