I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
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A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…