5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
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Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone