Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
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Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
This will never not be funny 😭
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer