Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
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My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
john wicks are toilet candles
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
I didn’t realize that was an option
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like