[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
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The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u