The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
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I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
Just grow your own
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.