If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
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I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.