I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
You Might Also Like
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021