ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
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If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time