If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
You Might Also Like
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
#parenting
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
(Electricians.)
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?