[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
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My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
#parenting
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*