I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
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Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
choose your gary
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Maths meets science
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.