Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
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them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Shoo shoo! 😂
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache