My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
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Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.