i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
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artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes