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The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN