I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
You Might Also Like
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
i will not be silenced
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish