The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
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My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it