date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
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[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.