I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
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My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.