my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
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Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
channeling her this year
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”