*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
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1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
Follow me for more fitness tips.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
God, I love Scotland
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you