I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
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6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.