What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
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Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no