SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
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If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?