Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
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I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
are there any atheist mantises?
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
😂😂
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh