Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
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Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!