Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
You Might Also Like
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
This is the best one I’ve seen
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.