Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
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me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.