Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
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Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.