Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
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necessity is the mother of invention
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.