I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
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I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”