I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
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6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
Okey dokey.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
Good morning
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.