I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
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Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.