Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
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The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
What the hell happened here.
Don’t tell me what to do
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.