6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
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A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Mornin
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”