me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
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“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Festive toon…
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.