Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
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my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.