Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
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Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy