my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
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Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
This was my dad’s browser history.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.