When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
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Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.