I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
You Might Also Like
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
jesus, what did this guy do
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
*gets down on one knee*
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”