I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
You Might Also Like
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
My patience has stretch marks.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Husband of the year 😂
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious