Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
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The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
This 4th of July, please remember…
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor: