[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
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I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
Chicken bread
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.