That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
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ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.