Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
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Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here