EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
You Might Also Like
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
Not recommended for beginners.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist