Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
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Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
Omg like wtf
-me, praying